for d three

haven't you ever been thrown against the bars because of a small dispute over blunt instruments and chevy chase's hair style during pool usage? me neither but i thought about it once. one of my elvis impersonating mothers once told me to never get involved with politics or freshly made mexican bananas. you can apply that advice to any scenario in life except for regulations on clothing at a gym. it just doesn't work out...

forty too

what's updog? not much, what's up with you? in our society it seems like our phrases are getting shorter and shorter while tall people are getting taller and taller. can you explain that using only 'q,' 'p' and orange jump suits covered in lemonade? i dont think so! so just slap your ponies with used licorice and call it a day already!

fordee one

your better off not asking why this shirt says what it says. my uncle megatron, who had his name changed after the original series of transformers came out, had a burning russian nesting doll collection and would constantly warn us not to bathe in gasoline before playing with them. 'no matter how good it feels, bathing in gasoline doesn't go over too well with candles around the tub. i used to have hair and look at me now.' he was always smoother than a freshly waxed baby's bottom. that lesson has lasted me my whole life and i've only took a bath like that twice. lesson learned.

4 D

The Aquabats are bats that are fine with the aqua. For those who don't speak nerd, 'aqua' is another word for water. The Aquabats happen to be one of the best bands out there! They in no way sound like the other band Aqua and are not affiliated with them. It's like having a kangaroo that's all hopped up on goof-balls and a different kangaroo comes along wearing a swimsuit. Can you see what I mean? Maybe I'll give you one more illustration. You're about to go down the biggest water slide in the world and the mung bean next to you suggests that you don't. You then follow her advice and decide to skip the slide part and jump from the platform into the shallow pool while singing Boyz II Men songs. I don't think I could make my point any more clear if I drew it out on a bald man's head and had him run around traffic yelling "All's fair in love and boar."

Thwirty Nine

Wondering where I learned my super speed from? I don't. It's just one of those things you just know. Like how you just know the sky is blue, or how mazes are actually solvable, or how slapping a horse in the face does not make them more friendly. The same is true even if you called the horse a few four letter words (like fish, cool, or rock). Those are facts of life that don't just change no matter how much you know about them. To better illustrate my point, there was a time when I had butter knives and a toaster. I had always heard that sticking a knife in a toaster, while it's plugged in, is bad. So I figured that meant at least two were required for it to be a good thing. Four knives in the toaster later I plugged it in and received a shock. I realized, all of a sudden, that I had forgotten to lock my car and went out to lock it before grabbing the knives. My blind uncle was not so lucky. He always had curious hands and while I was gone, he accidentally grabbed the knives. Now I know that asking the blind man to watch my toaster is a bad thing. I don't remember where I was going with it but I'm pretty sure we just arrived!

Firty Eight

Being slapped by an earless elephant after being chased by a cop car full of monkeys with knives duct taped to their hands is not the best way to die. In order for it to be the best way to die, the monkeys would have had to be spray painted different colors by other monkeys. Make sure it's not a human that spray paints them because that'll just ruin the whole thing, and trust me, you can tell the difference when it happens to you. You wouldn't want your last thought to be "Dang those monkeys weren't painted by monkeys! NOOOO!" That was the fatal mistake in my uncle Roberto's death. He had it all planned out so well too. He should have gone with his backup plan which actually happened to be death by Chuck Norris. Chuck, at the time, wouldn't do it cuz my uncle had a thick beard, and it's a known fact that Chuck doesn't kill other beardians. The loop hole in that rule has to do with what stuffed animal they sleep with at night. Make sure you bearded men and women out there sleep with stuffed ducks that have painted on beards. If not, you may get Chuck Norrised.

Thirty Sweven

If you've ever been in a crowded airplane right after they've served the in-flight meal of a burrito and baked beans, you'll know why I have this shirt. If you ask me, this is a creative way to get the point across. In fact, if the government was open to suggestions on any changes that could be made to the American flag, I'd suggest they put this symbol on the bottom right hand of it. That way, when people would think about America, they'd think "That's probably not a very gassy country." I wish the same thing could be said about my uncle Elbert. Let's just say that if he gets his hands on any expired baby food, which is surprisingly often, then you would be wise to get away from him as quick as possible. But enough talk about reasons why we shouldn't allow informal dinners for people that are physically and mentally capable of tying their shoes but buy only velcroable ones... oops, if I tell you anymore it'll spoil the book that I'm kind of almost not writing in my mind. You wouldn't want to spoil that would you?