Twilve

Most of us know what Transformers in disguise look like but what does a super cool person in disguise look like? Me with a paper bag on my head is the correct answer. You might think that it's a useless disguise that would never really be used. Well, lets just say aliens abduct us and we're hurtling through space at speeds greater than 60 miles per hour (it's hard to believe but aliens really can travel that fast). You are put in their prison of laser bars for a while until they come to dissect you for research. All of a sudden there's an alien that tells the others that he'll take you to the dissecting room and actually takes you to the teleport room. You all get beamed back to earth including that alien that helped you. He then takes off his head and wait, it was me the whole time. Those aliens happen to have heads that looked like paper bags and I disguised myself to save you all. You wouldn't think it's a useless disguise then would you? I didn't think so. You really need to think these things out before you make groundless complaints like that.

Ele-fen

If you've seen the movie Back To The Future you'll know what this shirt is talking about. Also, if you compare the picture of me with the cover of the movie, you'll find it hard to tell them apart. That reminds me of this one time when my twin cousins were cow tipping in a neighbor's farm. Things went wrong as soon as they found out that it was a pig farm. They tipped the closest thing to a cow they could find at the time... the neighbors wife. It's her fault for sleeping standing up anyways, but they got caught. My uncle was told he could only to take one of the twins home with him. My cousins names were Fraggle and Froggle but uncle Friggle couldn't remember which was Fraggle and which was Froggle. Since Froggle was the one he wanted, he put them both in a cage with a rabid dog knowing that Froggle was more scared of dogs. He found the screamer out of the two alright but it turns out he had mistakenly put the farmer's wife and one of the twins in the cage with the dog. Long story short, I now have the farmers wife for a cousin. That uncle Friggle of mine was always creative like that. He even wrote a book once called "How to Eat a Mountain Goat Without Them Knowing It." There's also another story about him running out of fertilizer during a family picnic and the creative thing he made us do for fertilizer. All of the family had just eaten and processed a lot of food. You know what I'm talking about... He made us go to the store on full stomachs. How very creative of him!

and Ten

Some of you might be wondering why I'm under a table, biting my finger and wearing a shirt that says "DEVOLVE." You might also be wondering where the little mouse went with my cheese. I know I am. Why is it that every time you have a conveniently small piece of cheese, and you put it on the floor for safe keeping, a mouse always takes it? It's another one of those unsolved mysteries in the world like "who made the pyramids," "why did Elvis pretend his was dead to open a burger place in Michigan," or "why does my hand smell different every time I sniff it?" We may never know all those things but what I do know is that this shirt is in tribute to the band Devo from the early 80's. They sing that famous "Whip It" song. I'm not referring to those Cool Whip Topping cans that you spray in your mouth every 5.38574 minutes aunt Hilda, so don't get too excited. Your heart is already under too much pressure.
I'm under the table for two reasons. The first reason is that everyone knows the most attractive place a gal can find a guy when the floor is covered in expired milk is under a table. So, you attractive ladies out there that like what ya see, speak up. The second reason is that it was raining outside. No I'm not afraid of lighting. I was just under there in case anyone else was afraid of lighting wanted to have a friend to talk to. Last time I checked that was a nice and considerate thing for me to do. The panda at the zoo knows what I'm talking about. It is it's own reward but occasionally I find a not so clean penny and then it all becomes worth it. So I'll be here under the table while it's raining and I'll talk to you non-wooden puppet people tomorrow. Remember to tell your friends about Shirt-culation... unless your friend is a relative of mine. In that case don't.

It's pronounced "Nine"

The shirt says "TRI-ATHLETE [AT LEAST I TRIED]" As my many participation trophies would tell you, this shirt is no exaggeration. In this picture I'm getting hit by a baseball in the face (yes that's my face) and it's not an entirely rare thing for me either. That's because I've always been one to participate in as many sports as I could. From the time in elementary school when I was home base to the time in middle school when I was the dart board, I've loved being involved in sports. My family was always good at encouraging me in sports too. My uncle Fredamyer used to tell me that if I worked real hard and kept my grades down, I'd be able to hold people's golf tee's in my mouth while they tee off. He always had higher hopes for me than I did. I just wanted to be a light bulb changer for score boards. Well, that or a professional cow slapper. Those were just unreached goals though. My uncle Fredamyer was the best example of setting goals and not reaching them. He had the goal once to be on the Fear Factor moving picture box show, and for his audition tape he was trying to eat as many roaches as he could in a minute. The only problem was that most of those roaches were C and D batteries. He did die from that but don't worry... we got the batteries back after the funeral.

Eighth of za days

Have you ever jumped onto a running bull only to regret the size of Velveeta cheese you bought the day before? Have you ever sniffed the mouse of your computer to smell if someone else had used it while you were taunting your co-worker? If so, you're probably a member of my family. In which case, long lost brother or sister, we should get reunited in the family's traditional way... we'll punch each other in the stomach until someone came name the first 3 owners of KFC. Welcome. You're probably an awesome person too! My uncle Ferdanand, who used a label maker to put a label on every square inch of his wooden leg, said that "labels are temporary unless you're smart enough to use a chisel." So here's my label of awesome on my shirt. I tried to use a chisel but apparently blood fills up the holes of where you chisel. Thank goodness I used my brothers ankle and not my chest. I only got to chisel "Awe" before he woke up though. His ankle is now full of the word "Awe." You might even say it's Awe-ful. Get it!?!
Make sure to follow this blog and tell your non-roadkill friends to check it out as well!

Seventh of the days

Its a thumbs up shirt! It may be a black outlined hand but that doesn't mean white boys like me can't wear it! I'm as racially diverse as my uncle who's half japanese, half black and half cyborg. His poor mother still has nightmares about his birth.

Day number six

It's a bird, its a plane, its me wearing a super cool shirt. I'm yearning for the sunlight like my aunt wants a case of lard cookies! Burn!

5 Too Dayie

For those who don't understand what this shirt is about, there's three and a half things you should know:
1- The emblem of the Soviet Union (the political system that existed in Russia from 1917 to 1989) was the hammer crossed with a sickle. The hammer stood for industry while the sickle represented agriculture. This shirt employs, for the purpose of being ironic, what I suppose you would call a malapropism (switching a word around with a similar sounding work that has a completely different meaning). In this case “sickle”, the curved blade used for the harvesting of crops and “Popsicle”, a brand of frozen, sugary treats.
B- I love Popsicles more than I could ever love a baby hyena. No exaggeration.
III- I wear shirts like this to get ladies to notice my muscular chest. And I don't care what your book reading group says aunt Lucy! My shirts are way better than those hand hats you make that say stupid things like "I got to hand it to you," or "With hat on hand I'll be your friend." So for the last time, stop putting hats on my hands while I'm sleeping. That's the monster under my bed's job and he gets mad when he can't do it. And I have to clean up after him...
1/2- This shirt helped me find your biological dad little Billy. His name is...(this is half of the message Billy. Sorry. Maybe you'll find out on your own some day)

Day 4th

If you were to ask any attractive gal what she is looking for in a shirt that a handsome guy, such as myself, is wearing, she'd probably say "a shirt that will make me marvel." I think this Marvel shirt does just that. Do I expect the lady folk to just fall for me like how my aunt Ruth who was reaching for a cookie and accidentally rolled out of bed? Yes. Do I expect people to know that the hoop in the picture is actually 10 feet high? Yes. Do I like to answer my own questions? Yes.
Now, you might be thinking that this is just an ordinary really cool shirt... You'd be right. Like a disposable cat, this shirt is amazing and yet so ordinary. It's not one of those super cool and rare shirts that are reversible. You know, the ones that you can wear them as pants too. Yet, is not as dumb as loosing your false teeth because you bit the mail man twice before realizing that you're not a dog and what you think is the mail man's leg is really a log of wood in a burning fire. So to all those that have shirts in which it looks like the Hulk is about to grab you, I say "Carry on you amazing son of a gun!" or, if you're a gal wearing a shirt like that "Carry on you awesome lady of a baday-dy!"

And then it was Day 3

This shirt says "West Virginia. 'One Big Happy Family. Really.'" It implies incest is goin on over there in West Virginia. That saying causes me to give a soft chuckle every time I read it.
Anywho, I have been asked where my shirts came from and who would know better than the shirts themselves? So I asked this shirt and it apparently comes from an underground civilization underneath Mexico. The shirt, let's call him Alejandro, doesn't know much about where his race of shirts came from but one thing is for sure, the Mexicans learned the Spanish from the shirts and not the people from Spain. History got that wrong. Alejandro had a small family there. He was married to a shirt that said "Get Your Own Pre-Used Socks," and they had a baby shirt that said "My Mommy Thinks I'm Special." On one dark day, course they were underground so it was always dark, Mexicans broke into the cave and started rounding up all the shirts, putting tags on them that say 'Made in Mexico' and put them on hangers. It was then that Alejandro saw his wife and baby shirt for the last time. He was sold and sent to America where he was sold once more to a magnificent, wonderful, handsome and an all around good guy. That guy was me and we've been together ever since. Two things you should know about this shirt however, 1-Alejandro lies more than a beached whale and 2-I could have just imagined the whole thing cuz I really don't speak or understand Spanish.

2nd Day

I heard that Confucius once said, "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot." So I must be high on pot, not the drug but the porcelain object of relief. Some countries have been known to even worship them, but that's more rare than catching a hiccup on a windy day. It never stop my uncle Marvin from trying though. He won't go inside at all on a windy day, which explains why he buys adult diapers.
You might be wondering what the shirt says. If that's the case, it says "Stanley Stool's. Toilet repair. 'You'll Get A Rush When You Flush.' Discover the difference." I don't know where I got it from but that never stops me. My family's rule of thumb is that "if you wake up next to it, it's probably yours". That theory might actually explain the frequent stomach aches my uncle Marvin's adopted son has. He works in an expired food factory and falls asleep on the job a lot... Rumor has it that one side of my family is a long line of Finders Keepers while the other side are Losers Weepers. Sometimes I end up taking my own stuff and feeling excited about it. I think Oprah might feel the same way if she were to steal her own magazine from a gas station some day. It may have already been happening. Let me know of any suggestions on where to take the next pic! Yesterday's request was 'on a toilet' that's why today's is what it is.

Day 1... now in color!

This shirt is so fancy that it practically screams, "You can wear me to go toilet shopping at a toilet store but I'm not fancy enough that they'd let you try out the toilets while they were still in the store!" I can vouch for that. That was the most embarrassing 15 minutes of my life. I probably shouldn't have chosen the window display one... Anyways, day 1 of Shirt-culation is upon us my friends, family and homeless people with a library card. I figured I'd wear the fancy shirt to start it off. My great aunt Ruth used to say that "Living a life that's full of green leprechauns isn't worth the shipping and handling of yesterdays catalog for little finger fanatics. And don't forget to always.... (gargle. gargle. spit. spit. snore.)" I think that before she passed out because of her meds she meant to say "check your fly before fancy occasions." And I'd just like to tell her that I did! I checked Aunty!
I plan on taking the pictures in a different spot everyday so if yall have any suggestions just shout them out!... in written form would be best cuz I really don't think I could hear ya any other way.
See ya tomorrow!

I Propose...

It is a globally unknown well known fact that I own multiple shirts. I'm not talking about the basic 8 that most guys have. You know, the one for everyday of the week and one extra in case you have to dress up for a funeral or the yearly trip to a fast food drive-thru. I'm talking about having so many shirts that I'm pretty sure I could use some for tissues or acrobatic padding like what rich people do with their poodles. To figure out just how many shirts I have and how long I can go without washing them, I'm gonna wear a different shirt everyday and post the pictures of all the different shirts as I wear them for proof. The circulation of shirts, or shirt-culation, will start on April 19th! So, like a 72 year old trying to fit into a baby's car seat, strap yourselves in for the excitement* that lies ahead!

*pleas note that this excitement is not a guarantee but more stereotypical advertisement kind of hope to draw your attention to some cool things that are always worth your time.