Teen, Nine

I am Iron Man! Get it? I have an iron in my hand and I'm obviously a man. Iron Man 2 came out today and I'm gonna go see it which is why I'm wearing this shirt. I'm really darn tootin' excited to see it! I'm almost as excited as my uncle was last spring. We were at his house for the semi-annual Roast A Possum Day when there was a big explosion to the side of the house. We all thought the Nazis were invading so it was pretty intense. If you knew that uncle of mine you'd know why the Nazis would bomb his house. You'd also know why he milks his cows while doing a hand stand. The cows really can tell the difference. Anyways, the explosion was pretty big and loud, even compared to my families regularly large explosions. My uncle did the only thing he knew to do in a case like that. He ran and hid underneath his bed. He also put his stuffed koala bear collection all around him too so that the angry fire wouldn't get him. We had drunk all the water by then and there was no working hose, so all the men then went to put out the fire the only way they could (more on how they did it another time but I'll tell you that it does involve ingenuity, lighter fluid, cheese from the moon). After the fire was put out, we found that it was the outhouse that was on fire and my grandpa Gilroy was in it. It turns out that he tried to light a match when he was done and the whole thing just exploded. And that is the story of why my grandma stopped serving her special chili dogs at family gatherings. Oddly enough, that same day we learned the valuable life lesson of slapping a frisky cactus with local porcupine instead of your hand. It gives that cactus a taste of it's own medicine. And if you get poked by a porcupine I think it's obvious what you slap it with... a parking break or a politician.